Always the optimist, I like to think that the overwhelming majority of people are good. But unfortunately evil does exist in the world. There are predators, stalkers and straight up evil people out there too. For context, I’m a woman from the northeast, living in the Midwest. In my opinion, Midwesterners are not as skeptical of people as those of us born and raised in the Northeast. Regardless of where you were raised, I do feel strongly about protecting yourself, and your kids if you have them, from the dangers of the small percentage of bad people in the world. You never know when you might accidentally let a bad person into your life, and sadly, online dating is an easy gateway for predators. These were the general guidelines I followed to keep myself safe while dating on Tinder and Bumble.
- Don’t share too much personal information about you or your kids. During the “getting to know you” stage while messaging back and forth on dating apps, or while chatting on the phone getting to know someone, it’s easy to overshare personal information. Try to answer personal questions with the least granular information you can. For example, a chat about your kids might be completely innocent, but try to hold back critical information that tells your new contact too much. Instead of sharing the exact schools your kids go to, perhaps just mention the school district. I also stayed away from sharing my kids names and kept it more general. I have an X year old son and an X year old daughter. You can let someone get to know you without sharing too much detailed personal information. I rarely shared the name of my employer in the early getting to know you stage. Instead I talked about my role and the industry I worked in, but no need to share the specific employer until you’ve established more trust. Just because the other person is sharing very detailed information about themselves does not mean that you need too, nor does it mean that you should trust them.
- Get their last name and phone number, but don’t share yours. This one was sometimes a difficult one to navigate. Sometimes I gave out my phone number, but never my last name. If I didn’t already have this information before lining up the first date, I would specifically ask for it in advance of meeting up. If they turn around and ask for yours, politely decline. You can be honest and direct about the reasons. Online dating is scary for women, and you’d prefer to wait to share that information. If the person gets upset with you, or demands that you share your full name because they shared theirs, it’s a red flag. If they are getting aggressive or upset with you about your boundaries, it is likely they won’t respect other boundaries you might have. Walk away before the first date and consider yourself lucky.
- Before meeting, do your research. Google their name. Google their name, plus “arrested” and the state they live in, or have previously lived in. Check Facebook and other social media profiles. In some states, you can even check online court records. In Missouri, you can get access to history of traffic tickets, DUIs, unpaid taxes and even divorce or child custody proceedings. Kinda creepy, sure, but I’d rather have that background before deciding to meet up with someone.
- Give a trusted friend your dates full name and phone number, time and location of your date. If you fear you’ll face judgement for meeting too many different people, you need new friends. It also goes without saying that you should meet them in a public place. And always meet them out somewhere, save being picked up for the date until you’ve established trust.
- If you go back to their place, actively share your location with your trusted friend. Again, if you fear judgement from your friends for going back to someone’s place after a first, or second date, you need new friends. By actively sharing your location, and having already given your friend the persons name and phone number, if things get particularly scary, you can use that fact to keep you safe by letting your date know that your friend has your location and is expecting you to reach out any minute to let her know you are okay.
- Trust your gut. This is a big one, so I’ll say it again. Trust your gut. We often ignore our instincts. Luckily, in my time dating post-divorce, I only found myself in one scary situation. It was a second date, I met him at his place for a “low key” night at his place. As soon as I pulled up in front of his place, I had a bad feeling. My inner voice told me not to go in. My gut said to leave. But my brain talked me into staying. I told myself that just because his home looked sketchy didn’t mean he was a bad person. I went inside. What transpired once inside is a testament to just how unsafe online dating is. I wasn’t raped or attacked, but I had to make a judgement call to subject myself to something I’m not proud of in order to keep myself safe. I’m thankful that it was what it was instead of something worse, but I very much learned to trust my gut and not worry about hurting the other persons’ feelings for trusting my gut instinct. In the end, protecting yourself is nothing to be sorry for.
If these guidelines to online dating help even one woman stay safe, I’m extremely thankful. What tips do you have for other singles dating online?